Can I Talk Now?

LA Native Nicholas V. tells what it's like Growing up in LA!

May 12, 2021 Nicholas V. Season 1 Episode 9
Can I Talk Now?
LA Native Nicholas V. tells what it's like Growing up in LA!
Show Notes Transcript

Today’s episode Nicholas V. shares what it is like growing up in California. He talks about  from an early age his sexuality  and how he can relate to being discriminated  against.  He gives his personal experience coming out gay and how his family handle it. Nicholas gives his perspective on being an on site manager for 15 years in Los Angeles  and tell what really happen behind closed doors. Sit back and listen as he shares some insight about his Sexuality, Racial Injustice and being  On Site Manager in Los Angeles.

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Toni Morrison interview on "Jazz" (1993)

I Am Not Your Negro | James Baldwin on the Dick Cavett Show | Netflix

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Today I have a very outspoken guest. 


He's a native from Los Angeles. 

He's been an on site manager for 15 years here in Los Angeles. 

He's seen it all. 

He's been throughout it all

To Nicholas busy, what's up? 

Hello wow, hey what's going on Nicholas? 

Let's go but Nicholas Nicholas, 2 Nicholas. 

There you go. 

You can do knickknack. 

I can knickknack sometimes. 

Nicknack how are you man? 

I'm doing pretty good you're here. 

I'm here. 

I don't know what I've gotten into. 

Tell us about growing up here in Los Angeles. 

From a native point of view. 

Point of view. 


OK, so because I'm an old Gen X or I'm old, which anything over 5055 I'll be 56 this year. 


That's also I was born in 1965, two weeks after the Watts riots in Hawthorne. 


Oh, how was that? 

It was intense. 

I asked my mom. 

About that and she said for three days they sat, barricaded in their house in Westchester, which is off Manchester and Lincoln, where my grandparents. 

Lived or bought airport OK. 


For like 3 days nonstop, where was I? I was inside my Mother Belly as she was freaking out as a white woman watching their first riot ever in the West Coast in LA happened. 


So naturally when the Rodney King wins happened, I just laid fetal on the couch. I mean, it's just, you know, that's your introduction. You fit. So all she does is fuel like freaked out and worried and emotional. But it was just all synergizing and me in 2 weeks later I pop out. So like growing up in LA was, I mean usually native angelino's. They just got this. 





Because everything just is. 



Yeah, you know. 

And you're used to. We used to go to Hollywood Blvd and all that kind of stuff as kids and and stuff like that. But other people come here from different places and they have their own idealisms, so that's what makes LA such a melting pot. I do like a city like LA because I need diversity. Yeah, there's so much diversity you can't really be prejudice or racist in this city like this, because even if you are, you're kind of like. 

He needs. 

Keep it hidden, but you just can't because there's so much different cultures and diversity, so that's why I like about them. 

So growing up was like, you know, it was sunshine all the time. 

We never lived in the Valley we always lived on this side, my. 

My grandfather was born in 1915. Here my grandmother came in 1930, a huge history about that which which is very interesting, but for me personally time I was twenty. I got outta I graduated in 1983. I was working at a record store. This is when like Prince and Madonna Verbeeg and Tina Turner coming out Prince yeah. 


Kind of bored. 

I met some people. 

From there were from kids from Europe and stuff and talked about it. 

So I joined the air. 

Force and left, why did. 

Why did you leave? 

You leave. 


You leave because I was bored and I wanted to go out in the world and see what was going on. 

I was 20 years old. 

I didn't know what was going on. 

Yeah, you know. 

And remember, this is before we had Internet and cell phones and stuff like that. 

So everything was real in the moment. 


That's how I grew up drinking out of. 

Hose from the garden and you know you're like you just go play. 

You fall down your you survived but you learn how to deal with problems you know now and everything is like helicopter parent and they keep them away from everything that could harm them. 


So when I joined the Air Force I lived in Germany for three years and now it's another whole experience about being outside of America. 

For more than a year you kind of get this whole perception of the world, and I was excited about it. 


Different cultures, different languages, and what I discovered is it basically everybody, every different culture on the face years is doing the same thing. 

They have their own ceremonies, their own spirituality. 

They're on this type of stuff, regardless of the color of their skin or their language or what. 

So when I came back to America after three years, I'm like, oh they don't live in a mumble. They're all uptight all the time and even my family and friends and I remember coming back from Germany. I was on a big 747. 

Smoke and you can smoke in the plane back then. This is like, you know, 8990 and there's this woman. She was a teacher from Britain and I was telling my stories like, yeah, I was born and raised in LA. 


You know, and I was excited everything I knew about the world from living in LA for 20 years was what you see in movies and TV. What people talk about when you actually go there? You're like Oh my gosh, OK, so I was talking to the. 

Teacher and I was telling my story and she haven't been back for three years like now she goes. Two things are going to happen. One is the culture shock. Even going home to where you're familiar with, and it's only been like 36 months is going to be 10 times more intense than anything. 




Is it? Yeah. 

Oh yeah, and I go once the second thing and she goes. 

No one is going to know what the hell you're talking about at. 

All they did it. 

And they didn't like my family was there to greet me and they're like, oh here. 

Thank God. 

Back in time, like my little brother was really skinny three years ago and he's. 

Comes back and he's huge and does bodybuilding and I'm like who are you and it's like everyone was just a face in a in a photo or a conversation on the phone for three years. 

You just like. 


But when you meet them in person was like I really don't know, you know. 

And I had been different. 

I had seen him in exposed to different things so my perspective was different. 

They're like you here, here have a. 

Beer, and I'm like, oh. 

They're like oh Mr European like no, this is like water down water. 

This picture. 

I started drinking beer in Germany. 

In Europe. 

It's beer. 

It's like. 

You know, so it was little things like that that were kind of throwing me off. 

Would you say you're the black sheep of your family? 

Oh God yeah yeah, because then I was then I came out as in. 

Was this during the during the Air Force or when you came back from the Air Force when you came out? 



It was six months before I was due to. 

Get out, how did that go? 

Well, when you. 

Told your parents not as well as I thought, specially 'cause my grandfather was gay. 

Everybody has a great story. 

Yeah, Yep. 

People go through stuff. 

And mine is just one of those native Angeleno ones, so. 

So when you came back, you now how did you deliver the news well? 

The first person I called was my grandma. 


On the phone. 

Like by the time I graduated from high school, my grandma and Grandpa, there was a rift and they, the family, fed us a story. 

It's like Oh well, Grandpa wants to go travel and Grandma wants to work and there's a. 

Things, so they're like I'm like OK. 

And then he came out. 

But there's also more to this story. 

Wait, give me the Hollywood version in that so we can get to get to your story. 

OK, the hot. 

We're gonna save the grandfather story for another day. 

Yeah, that is 'cause I have to do with being busted in the bathroom in 1962 with two other guys and tried downtown Atlanta courthouse for homosexuality versus Harry. 



Damn did he win or lose. 


It's it's. 


It's all we'll save that for this story. No, no, no. Basically it was. It was dropped, and there's a story about that. But then, and the whole family was like that was in 62. And then three years later I was born. Well in in the late 80s, before he left for the service, grandmother opened the dresser drawer and found the picture of Grandpa in a very stunning man. 

OK, we go we go. 


Black in there bad naked. 

Damn, and this was in the 60s. 

No this no. The 60s was the court thing. This was in the 80s. So what made my family's head explode was like crap. It was true back then, but it was true for everybody so. 

Oh, OK. 


So how did you? 

How did you? 


How did your family handle that? 

Uh, my mom and my uncle. 

And my grandma, it kind of it. It screwed him up if one or just the other happened by itself, it would be nothing. But it was both in this country up until 1920. There was no such thing as gay or straight. 

But but it wasn't. 

It wasn't. 


People in the military you could hold and it wasn't an issue. Some reason why around that time, like 1918, nineteen, 20 that became this huge like it was against the law. 

And you could go to jail for it. 

Or even get killed. 

Everyone get killed until 1969. The Stonewall. I mean my grandparents, they really loved each other and that's a huge cute story. So anyway, when I came out and I told one of the things I realized is that when you tell someone anything about you or that like you're gay, what you get is they. 

Process in their mind what gay is to them and then projected on you that you're exactly and there's so many different versions of that type of thing. 


You know. 

I'm saying, it's like you know, like like if I would describe some someone and say oh it's a black friend they would say, oh, whatever they interpret black is they're going to project it on that and go you, you're that type of person because that's how they define it in their mind at that point. 


I realize I'm just a homeless sapien, you know, and I did this one joke. 

Almost sapien. 


Tomic homeless sapien hetero sapien homosexual heterosexual. 


How do I say it in? 

I don't say that. 


And I've actually gotten some people piston. 

Like dude, I'm not a homeless AP and I'm like dude, you are. 

It's a species. 

I'm not a homeless AP and I'm like you. 

You're confusing that with that I'm trying to accuse that you're homosexual type of stuff. You know, so that's how I kind of hit coming back to LA, I'd been around the world I I actually did a 9G turn in an F16 fighting Falcon above Germany, and that's another fun story. 

Yeah, yeah. 

I had experienced different languages and cultures, and even if I didn't know the language, you could still look at the other human being and communicate and get stuff done. 

I was lost in Vienna on my VW bug and it took me. 


Yeah, and I could barely speak, but I kind of, you know. 


So and then I was out. 

So then I realized wow, it was hard to communicate. 

To people, especially people in America that had never left the country for more than a year or been, uh, Sir, some people go visit and they're like, Oh yeah, but I can't like back in America would be good. 


So that kind of gave me my edge. 

And I realized coming out two that my family, they were all like strangers now and then being out, there's yeah. So it's like there's that certain Pinnacle Point for me. When I was 23, it's like you, it's you on you're the only one in this world that it's you to deal with. Like when I come I like like I said I first called my grandmother yeah on the side on the phone I'm like you guys have already been through Grandpa so I'm just gonna. 



And I said, grandma, I gotta tell you, I'm kinda like Grandpa and she's like I knew you're going to say that young man I love you and call your mother. 

So I called my mom. 

I got my stepdad on the phone and I told him and they were shocked and hung up and it was a rift. 

I'm like. 


You guys are surprised. 

Knilling me all my all this time. 


So you would say was that was it hard to come out, do you feel? 

No, for me there's. 

I mean there's so many different interpretations of what the process is, and I know for me I never stopped being the same person I've been from day one. 

Sometimes when people quote unquote come out within a couple of six months or a year, they might turn into a different persona. 

You know, and this is we're talking. 

This is the 80s. 

The late. 

Well the late 80s. 

Basically like the 90s. 

We had already been dealing with AIDS. 

But look how we evolved now that the reality is is that you know, for me in the perspective is that come with being binary. 


Was it binary? 

You know where there's basically. 

We are both masking and family men are just taught not to express that. 

Women are not to be strong and powerful because of those issues that have been implemented, but that's the nature of ojomo sapien, you know, hllomo being singular sapien, meaning the species type of thing so. 

We want to talk. 

What starts irking me these days is like, well, that there's all these different races. 

There's the white race and the black like there's one race just so many different cultures and versions of the same race, and they all bring something to the table, you know, and that's kind of history tells you why you are where you are right now, and we can see that this has come to light. 


You know, and it's about time. 

I mean, you know when you can, you can educate yourself when you want to and open it. 

But the problem is, is it? 

People, especially here in this country. 

They react instead of relate. 

If it's different, they react true. 

You know they just don't. 

They don't want to relate to it, and they keep themselves separate. 

You know there's a separation. 

It's like, well, there's me. 

And then there's. 

Those are I'm this race in there that race. 

No, you're all the same race. 

It's different cultures. 

And like I said in learning in Europe, they all have the same thing going on. 

It's the human name. 

Teacher there is compassionate. 

There is all this kind of stuff. 

What advice can you give someone who's trying to come out? 

Just be yourself, and if people don't accept it, you don't need to be around them and I think it should be a little bit more embraced now than it was 30 some odd years ago. 


You know, that's that type of reality, but I mean, it's just interesting you had that one guest. 

That was a hairdresser. 

It's like I think women are. 


Yeah, I think women are amazing. 

I've always thought they were amazing. 

I had girlfriends. 

I just couldn't understand like if I wasn't alone with the rumor guys. 

All they do is like oh I want to get her in order. 

They just talk this weird stuff and then when the lady enters room they're all kind of nice and gentle. 

You know, and I never pushed myself on when they were like come on, would you like to? 

Oh, come on. 


I'm like, OK, well, you know. 

But when I had an experience with them and I'm like wow, I really, I'm really like this and it's comfortable, you know, but I've still have. 

I think women are amazing. 

I think they're a lot smarter than men. 

You know they're a lot more attuned like like you figure back in time when our homeless Sapien species was like evolving. 

It's like by nature, like everything is natural, that man and woman kind of got together. 


And you know something happened. 


And then around nine months later, over the course of that time she gets really big. 

And pulls another human being out of herself. 

Guys back in the day. 

Oh my God. 

Oh my God, you know. 


I mean, that's the reality of. 

It when did you decide to get into apartment management? 

For me, actually three years in in Europe was more than I could ever get in a college degree at at that time, especially when I didn't know what I wanted to be. 

I was only 20, you know, and so that was like the biggest education ever. 

I've always been a hands on learner, you know, I can figure things out in the spot. 

So basically, I've. 

I was living in Venice for a while. 

When I got back, 'cause it's what I wanted to do after being in Europe and meeting friends and specially Europeans. 


Would just love talking to me and and women too, 'cause women and. 


In in M and a guy like me, we'll talk about man. 


I'll tell them this and they'll be like Oh my God, how come on man don't think like you? 


I'm like I really can't tell you why, but you know and then I worked on. 



I worked in coffee shops. 

I worked in talent agency for a while, figuring out Hollywood 'cause I was. 

Interested in movies and stuff at the time? But then I moved from Venice up to the building they managed now in 97. 

Even working at a talent agency and then and then worked in development and then everything started collapsing. I was like the first kulacz after 911 and the common and you know and I just I've been around and exposed to like entertainment things and I've been on set working as a PA for some kids that were doing AFI. 


Stuff from my building so it's interesting, but it just it just never turned into the career. But also I'm just used to being here in Atlanta versus I came here to to do a career. Yeah, you know type of thing I don't have that where the majority of people come. I think it was 2006 when the manager that was leaving. 



Think it was 2000. 


He was leaving analysis System manager of the building. 

And the manager before him was a jerk. 

Like he would rip people off and he would do it, you know, and so there's a certain point where and the guy before me that he was really good. And I said, well, they go. Do you want to do it? I'm like yeah, because I don't want you to put a jerk in there then I guess I'll step up to the plate. Do it. I'd rather do it then. Have you put someone that's going to be a jerk and that's that's kind of how it started in 2008 collapsed. 

You know and then vacancies, but right now it's like I'm not that type of person that needs that much stuff. 

I don't think anyone needs that, so it's like for right now it's it's been working. 


I just didn't know it was going to end up going solo. 

How has your experience been? 

Oh my. 

God, this is here's to me that. 

And here's the ad on site manager. 

If you wanna know how people really are, you manage a building. 


Yeah, major building you can see and you learn things like people tell you what they want you to know or how they want you to see it. 


Like though people that'll send in a reply for an application go. 

Oh I would like to look at your apartment. 

I am very quiet. 

I'm very neat. 

I don't party. 

I don't do drugs and they are responsible. 


I'm like I didn't ask you A and that you. 

That's the first thing you're telling me about yourself is what you want me to think of you, you know? 

I'm saying it's like when someone going, for example, it's like when some goes. 

I'm a very nice person. 

I'm like if you were, you wouldn't have to tell people people would know you're nice. 

Drew yeah yeah. 

That's how I've learned it for myself. 

A lot of things that you have to go into your own ******** to sort it out. 

And when you do, you start to see how other people are bullshiting other people and themselves. 

And as you get. 

Older and wiser, which is only done by age. 

You know, I mean like when your 10 year tenure 20. It was ten years ago when you're 30, it was 20 years ago and there's where it starts to shift in people. But then you know you go 40 and then 50 or like half of 100 years have gone by that. So you start seeing everything just repeating. It's the same thing. People that are in their 30s now in their 20s and the 30s. 

I'm mid 30s. 

They think they're thinking up something new in their head. 

It's like, you know, we did that. 

30 years ago and I. 


Go on, I'm sorry I was there for that. 

I still got the same some of the same clothes that I can wear that you guys think are cool and hip now or you know so. 

So that was one of the things like if people go, you're a really nice person. 

I'm like OK thanks. 

That's what people tell me I go by that I don't have to tell people anything about myself. 


You know, they'll know it and that goes to actions always speak louder than words. 

And then I'm, you know, older, now and dealing with some of the young kids. 

I'm like that doesn't make sense. 


Yeah, or it's easy for me. It's like within this, but second, it's like OK, your actions aren't matching your words, so try that again. That's one thing and what's interesting through the pandemic was the whole mask thing. You know? 'cause like, I've got four floors, 6 units on each side. That's 48 units. 


OK, and sometimes I've looked down the hallway and go each one of those doors is like opening a door into the Twilight. 

So Yep, and I've seen these apartments I've been in the matching for 15 years and it's like I've seen just like apartment. 


3 millimeter. 

And it's like I've seen like so many different people go through that one apartment. Go through all of them. Basically there's some people that have been there longer than I have just a few. Oh yeah, yeah, that. So that that happens. That's part of life, you know. I mean, it's a 94 year old building, so I'm sure people have been dying in there for a long time. So I'm like they're like. 

Probably something that died there. 




They're like other. 




Ghosts here I'm like there's ghosts everywhere. 

But it's interesting, so I've I've I've seen that process like if someone passed away which has happened. 

I don't even go in and want to know where. 


I mean I call the police and do a Wellness check and let them go in and discover it. 


Or if I have an idea that someone is like an elderly lady, but I don't want to know where the body is because I have to keep going into that apartment to show it to somebody else. 




You know. 

So some things you don't want to see. 

But there's things I've seen that I never knew was possible, and. 

Like what? 

See, that's I. 

Like what? 

I don't think I've written one of those things down. 

I have to. 

I have to think it's I didn't write that down. 


That might be for another thing. 

Maybe it'll pop in my head. 

I'm still hitting it, hitting the coffee and stuff. 


See, I'm the type of person. 

I'm really, really, Virgo Y you know that you just kind of try to find the solution in the moment. 

Yeah, you know and for me I have this little knack. 

That's the Knick knack of, you know, kind of seeing things slightly a bit ahead going well if we kind of move this and change this a little bit then it might run a lot smoother and stuff like that. 

But when people don't want to deal with this situation and it's it's there, I'm like a certain point where I have to take my hands off and going. 

It's not my building. 

Can I do so much? 

And then there's just the thing between the tenants, and you know? 

And and managing and you have to have boundaries like when I was a tenant for a while before I became manager and then I had some friends, there were tenants and then I started realizing that when you're the manager and they're your friends, they think they get a pass because one time we were, we were having cocktails and was Oscar party and and it was over and they were going out in there. 


Being loud and another tenant open door says you guys need to be quiet and the guy go. 

Screw you, I'm with the manager. 

I'm like you. 

Not anymore. 


You have to have that boundary and it's true. 


Like even working in retail in the stores they did. 

It's like I tell them managers at work. 

I'm like. 

Well when you manage the employees, you're paying them to do their job. 

See, I was doing managing being a floor manager for the Pier one. 

Close to my build. 

Think back and you know when you're paying them. 

It's like we're paying. 

You do their job and they would come in. 

I don't feel like working, I'm like do you want to know my feelings right now? 

I have tons of them. 

You know it's not about your feelings. 

You're paying you to work, yeah, you know, but if they're screwing around, you can say, OK, you know what? 

Why don't you Clock out and go home? 

We'll even pay you. 

But just go home and get your head together before you come back to work the next day when you're managing employees well, that means they come back home to their building. 



So the building managers so it's kind of reverse. 

So there has to be a boundary about same thing at work. 

Like you know if you're going to be friends with the boss, then that's opens up. 

Problem you know, not just being the boss but for the other people and what they start doing. Trip and it creates that. So you just cut that off. I mean I have the back garden that I did and you know I'm polite 'cause one of the 10s goes. Why I thought you were my friend. I said I'm friendly but I'm not anybody's friend here. I don't really need to know you people. I mean I'm kind just like it. Would anybody? 



And if the situation I will do it, and if there's the tenants right and versus the management company and will have those discussions and stuff like that. 

Maybe not. 

But I don't. 

I'm not your friend. 

And just friendly, I don't want to get involved in your life. 

Yeah, so that's that's that part and people not listening grown people. 



Grown people not listening. 

Not listening. 

Yeah, especially the young kids like, but even even some young kids like don't tell me what to do. 

That's the worst. 

You know it's just like look if you would have listened to what I told you the problem would have been solved. 

Involved or they're like you can't tell me what to do. 

One guy goes. 

You're not the father of the building. 

I'm like, no, I'm not, and if I could have a conversation with your parents because you could, all types of people you get trust fund babies in other words and they don't want them in the building because they're like I just poop on the wall. 

My daddy pay for it. 

I don't care, you know type of stuff or then you get people and I can tell to like when they come. 


But their mom, like when students come to moments. 

Is this your first Department experience? 

First time leaving home? 

Yeah, I'm like that's the one I keep an eye on going OK, we're going to see who you are now because that's the one thing about when people go to their home. 

Miss Miller 

They can show the whole world, their face and whatever they want people to see in them or however they want people to perceive them. 

But when they come home and anybody in there. 

Own little spot, self included that mask that you show the world comes off and they're really you. 

And there really. 


Is there? 


Sometimes people have changed, sometimes they're the nicest person, and usually within six months, two years. 

It's like, oh, man, you're a. 

Horrible, so I don't know how you got past my radar. 

Some people come in and try to do the talking. 

All I'm this and I'm that I'm missing. 


I'm not like you. 

I don't believe you 'cause you're telling me, I figured that out, knowing you. 

I believe you. 


Yeah, you know, but that you have to tell me that's a big red flag, you know. 


So I've got some and I've got some really cool people. 

I mean basically everyone cool and also you can't judge people you don't know what people are going through through. 

There's been very heavy situations and I'm there to help and give advice for the situations I don't get involved with it. 

Eh, it's too much to process, you know, there's a certain time in the beginning. 

I was like, oh I'm gonna change the building and it's going to be nice and stuff like that. 

But I start. 

Realizing I'm not paying attention to myself, 'cause I'm worrying about everybody else, that's when a part of my little issues. 


First of all, it was the pandemic and I'm like great. 

My building is a Petri dish because it's old and it's four floors, and the hallways are barely 6 feet apart. 


And you know, wearing the masks and stuff like that. 

But then people that we're so accustomed to going out. 

It's showing the world and doing their thing. 

There I want you to see me as this way they had to wear a mask and they couldn't pull that off. 

They start losing their minds. 

That's why I need to get my hair done. 

I need to get my nails like really, that's your high priority. 

You must be that category. 

Sorry, I've seen like. 


I like the world to see me like this, but I bet when you go home in your private space, you're nasty. 


You know, but. 

Come and for me, especially, being a native Angelino like I was saying, we're saying earlier, like you can't really be that racist and prejudice living in the city, which is why I like it. 

And when diversity and ethnicity hitel a way back in the day, all the white people are like I got the separation thing that they're that race is different from my race, yadda yadda. 


So you've got. 

Orange County and you got Santa Barbara? 

Yeah, and most of my family. 

I'm the only one that lives in the city and they're all off. 

There everyones white there and their gated communities and along the beach like the whole thing that's going on with Manhattan Beach in Huntington Beach and you're going wow, I didn't even know that that's so ******** Still I had a friend that walked down there and she was black and she was working at a doing things at a flea market and she passed by uh. 

And then. 



Truck and they had the little rabbit Q Anon sticker and they started going. 

Oh no, hey with the mask lady and she was just like whoa she goes. 

It's really really intense and no hiding. 

And that's the truth of the reality. 

Nothing you can. 

It's nothing hidden anymore. 

It is what it is. 

Yeah, yeah. 

That and it's it's blatant. 

It's like OK. 

Part of the shock I think for some people it's like. 

I want it's been like this the whole time. 

You didn't know that you wouldn't know that 'cause you didn't pay attention. 

So during the whole protest and after the George Floyd thing didn't feel like going out and doing the protesting. 

'cause I was more like I'm managing this building trying to get not get sick, keep it safe and I yeah but I educated myself. 


And it took my one friend I was speaking about earlier. 

Her name is Camille and she sent me a. 

YouTube video of Toni Morrison doing an interview with Charlie Rose in 1993. 

And when you watch it, you're like Oh my God, hey, she spoke so eloquently, she does. 

And the way she articulated and so simply it was, it was the IT was the first thing that just cracked that open for me. 

You know, I knew that there was prejudice. 



Uh, that's another whole thing about growing up with that and how how it would seem that it was acceptable because everyone was kind of like, oh, you know, we always make jokes and stuff for me it was like wow, this is this totally makes sense and I could relate to it like no one in my family could. 

Folks and stuff. 


For the fact of being gay, right? 

You know when you get that look, yeah, you know you know and then no matter what color your skin or what culture you're an abomination in the eyes of God. 

Most religions are like that. 

So there you got that like you know. 

But you know when you get that you know what it's like to be discriminated. 

Even being white. 

OK, basically because of being gay being just, you know, you're the freak, you're different. 

Yeah, so that was how I got a taste of it. 

And then when all of this started coming to the surface bluntly and directly and blatantly obvious. 

And it's interesting because for me I was type of person that would try to have conversations. 

With some of my family. 

My mom is really cool, but some of my cousins and stuff which are they're basically Irish and Italian, but here they're white, so there's that one. 

Labeled Toni Morrison brings that up about. 

There's no such thing as white race. 

There's no such thing as a white except in this country in Europe you're either like German or you're Russian, or you're Italian. 

You're just. 

But there's no white. 

Yeah, you know. 

But and I encourage anyone. 

So once educates himself of seeing that Toni Morrison and Charlie on the Charlie Rose Show from 1993, 'cause I was like I watched it three times in a row because I hung on every word she said because it all made sense. It all was that truth. And then another favorite I watched. I'm not here. 

I'm not your James Baldwin I like. I really, really admire him. 


For his perspective, 'cause to him especially knowing that like. 


A lot of his. 

Come here, not peers, but the people that he admired, like Malcolm, all these people were assassinated. 

Martin Luther King were all assassinated within a matter of years for this guy, and his take was being the witness. 

He was observing everything and that's kind of what happened with me too, especially about but about. 

Coming out and being gay or even man you just. 

I just observe everything because that's how you can find out what's going on in the present moment. 

And for him to even be gay too. 

You know, and he would just call it out. 

Just simply talk. 

I mean, you've looked at any talk show. 

He was just so elegant and would just say the words boom right there and it was simply the truth. 

And now most people would react to it instead of relating to it. 

You know type of thing. 

So I found that fascinating. 

And then come. 

Like watching some of those documentaries, there's one other great one on Toni Morrison called pieces of me and it's like how things impacted in change because of this and even when. 

And in the face that you think what you're doing isn't going to make a difference, it did, and it it does. 

And sometimes it might take 10 years, but it really made that difference, you know, and there's no more. 

I don't know where we are at now. 

In the present state, but it's like wow, you can't deny this is not the truth if you don't that, it means it's something wrong with you. 

Like Toni Morrison brings in, 'cause Charlie Rose is like well what is race and she goes. 

It's it's a power trip you need to make. 

That person looked lower than you. 

And she has this question, she goes. 

What are you without your race? 

Are you any good? 

Are you still smart? 

Are you still brave? 

And I was like bingo. 

And I would send it to my family. 

Then I don't want to watch it and my one cousin says, you know what? 


Honestly, I'm burying my head in the sand in this. 

I'm like that's honest. 


That's honest, not even willing to talk about. 

I said it's difficult. 

I was even surprised looking back in my life and going. 

Wow, that's when that was happening. 

I could relate to some of those types you know, and. 


Here we are now. 

Here's one thing about managing buildings like people can be gross when they're alone in home. 

You know, I'm saying, but a lot of people like, unless it affects me. 

I don't care, and then it does. 

Then they pitch in Bich 

And that's the flip side of what happened when you're like this man was killing this man with his knee on his neck for up to 9 minutes. 

Oh no no, no no it's not it Seattle kind of flipped it and going. Oh that's because of this and even relative goes where he was on drugs. I'm like 9 minutes on anybody's neck. 



Yeah, you know hand in. 

Pocket cash like I was like horrified. 




I tell you, mom, I go, did you see that she does? 

I can't, I said yeah, Mom well it's true. 

Yeah, you know it's interesting and it's all there for people that want to know and embrace it but. 

For whatever the reason, they don't want to, they want to. 

It's that white thing which only exists in this country. 

They say there is no white supremacy and go it. 

The label of white. 

We want to make everyone hear white, which is never going to happen. 

You know, it's never. 

That's naturally not the course of everything you know, so it's like well it's gonna work itself out. 

What's going to happen is going to happen. 

I tell my cousins honey, I'm going to be on this I'm going to be on the other side because that's ******** and you don't want to look at it because you kind of accept that because that would freak you out. 


Your head would explode, knowing that you've been that way the entire time, but didn't even realize it. 

That's why they don't want to even look at it. 

They can't accept it. 

You know they cannot accept it, and so you just, that's the automatic reaction in any situation. 

But on something this major level I'm like I can't see why people cannot like when I go to someplace like when I go to. 



Colorado to visit my mom. 

Some or like an Orange County, or there's I'm like everybody here is white and I freak out. 


I just put on this whole just it's like there's no point in having a conversation about anything if that's the only way. 

Only way you know, know diversity means something is not right, you know and it like in that Toni Morrison interview. 

She was like she's like she was asked. 

Well, what do you think about this? 

And she goes, it's a profound neurosis. 

It's a. 


It's a sickness of the mind. 

It's an indoctrination to think that way, because that's not the that's not the natural order of anything in life. 

Is that it's just one, yeah? 

You know, and it's that simple. 

It and the answer is never going to change. 

It's always going to be that like. 


People will say. 

Well, what about this? 

Well, here's my answer. 

Yabba well, no, here's the answer, but what about this? 

I said there's no other way I'm going to change the words because that's this. 

The truth speaking, the truth will screw people up more than so than lying to him. 

Sometimes you know. 

I mean, that's a really profound thing and it's these little things. 

It's these little things that matter. 

I also know that the little things in life do matter. 

People just want the big things. 

I want everything big and I want this and I want that it's like, you know the little things will show you how and why and it gives and people always give themselves away. 

They want things. 


They're like, well, you're this and you're in that and you're that I'm like really take out mining and put your name and say that back to you and that's why you're screwed up. 

In your head it's that easy. 


Yeah, you know. 

Especially when you just observe people and that's what I liked about James Baldwin in the witness. 

Just watching how everyone react. 

It tells you the story of why it is the way it is. 

And if you do that through history, it tells you why it's happened. 

How it's happened? 

And history tells you why you are right now, and you know, there's the George George Floyd thing and especially. 

So that's been going on for years though. 

Here so. 


It's been going up from Rodney King. 


It was the same thing that sparked the Watts riots. 

It's always the same thing. 

Pull them over for a simple little thing and it turns into a shitshow. 

But now with the social media and now taking those pics. 

Years and all the testimonies, but that's what's also a little alarming too. 


It's like even the truth, just ain't gonna. 

It's not going to budge like the insurrection and all that stuff on this thing just going. 

Wow, this is this is serious. 

This is just starting to begin. 

As far as a video, do you feel the teenager taking that video? 

CEDA intervene. 

With a cop, yeah. 

Oh no, I heard about that sometimes. 

You know if if she did intervene, would this happened? 

I mean that would he go to trial? 

Would he go? 

You know I'm saying, I mean it's like for me. 

Sometimes I'm like if I'm I'm not sure or something I'm like well I'm here so I guess I'm here to be able to deal with it. 

You know, unless you're ready to deal with it you know it's not going to happen and. 

You can go and think back whatever, but in the spur of the moment your spirit was like hit that thing. 

Yeah, you know. 

And that was the one thing that changed this whole thing that changed the world because of that. 

The world because. 


And you know, it's like I, I would suggest you beat yourself up because like there's other people standing around there too. 

But what you did made a huge impact, so that's kind of how if you look at it, that's how sometime life you pivot in a way you know I always believe in in the spirit and the body and all that kind of stuff. 

And sometimes you, that's that's what it is. 

You know the mind likes to think of lineages and step by step in the spirit is just always present the moment and sometimes that's kind of how I go. 

Well that's it. 

And we all make mistakes too. 

You have to make mistakes in life if you don't make mistakes, you're not going to know how to get through anything. 

Yeah, you know, and sometimes you have to make the mistake to know what the take is and how to go in that direction. 

Sometimes you have to learn what life is not in order to know what it is, but now some of these young kids they're like so protected in a bubble. 

That's like any type of reality. 

That comes in his shoes. 

You're having a complete meltdown, like managing there's one girl and she was like she was in her late 20s and she was a floor manager and she came out of the break room. 



She was just unraveled and tears. 

I'm like Oh my God are you OK? 

What happened? 

All this Coldplay song that's playing. 

I just I just I just. 

I just have a break I'm like Oh my God if the wind blows wrong your head is going to explode. 

Wow, so fragile you're the 1st to go if anything really serious happens, you're the 1st to go because you'll just be in the way you won't be. 


Able to handle it. 

Uhm, like one out of every 25 people in the building. One of them is going to be that one crazy RAM and Karen or psychotic or what it's happened in 15 years. It's a it's a farm. Imagine the building. It's like wow they. 

And then when they move out, you're going great that one gone, another one gets back in. 

I don't know how it's just the law. There's certain balances you know, and I've stopped beating myself up, thinking, oh, I didn't have a career. Oh, we don't have this around that it's like you don't need it. Obviously you get what you need by the universe. True, you know I'm saying, and even if I did like graduate from 83 and then go to college and. 


That stuff you know what socks 'cause of this new advancement in technology to make our life simpler and easier and get rid of vinyl. 

I'm like still ****** *** about my iTunes situation. 

That it was what happens by the time you're like 35, you had to go back and redo the whole thing over again because technology changed and they change everything. So you'd have to go back. So most people that had that problem when this huge shift of technology. It's like everything you've got a degree in college no longer applies and you have to go back and redo and get that degree over. 

Because everything changed and now they're making it so simpler and now texting and I texting. 

So I people love to people go. 

I love texting 'cause I can lie. 

I'm like me I'm glad you enjoy lying to people. 

I tell you people that lie to other people lie to themselves. 

Inside there so true. 

And I love that movie soul. 

Did you see that? 

Yeah, Jamie Foxx. 

I thought it was awesome. 

Yeah he was it was. 

It was really really well done and it's like that's like hey, you, little solos are going to go into the they're neurotic school and you're going to be into the low self esteem school. 

And every yeah? 

It's it's it's good stuff. 



Your personal opinion? 

When do you think or feel excessive force should be used in a situation. 

Well, it's interesting 'cause you look at the other videos and if a white person does it, they don't even pull the gun. 

I mean literally the white part. 

I've seen little videos that were literally the guy comes out. 

Swinging a gun out of his house with knives. 


Some of them. 

And just take the police vehicle and they don't even draw their weapon. 

I like that's when you should start be shooting out the tires or you know, depending on the situation I was led to believe that the police would be trained to like shoot him in the leg so you don't. 


You know, apparently not. 

It's like it's the fear, it's the reaction. 

You know it's reacting to the situation. 

Not relating to it, you know. 

Pulling pulling a gun instead of a Taser. 

Yeah, exactly like you don't know the difference you know or 13 bullets you don't even have a gun. 


He just put you know it's like it is insane. 

I don't know what could possess someone to not embrace that. 

To see that it literally is happening. 

And you know, I notice how much it was going off right after the verdict came out. 

Yeah, shooting was going up all over the place now. 

You know, I think you know, like history tells us why the way we are. I think that that Billie Holiday versus the US, knowing that the lynching law still exists, you still can legally Lynch somebody. It was on Congress floor to be voted on in 1937. It didn't pass. 

The next time it was on the floor in the Senate was August 2020 and it didn't pass because one senator said. 

Uhm, the word lynching is very vague, and you're going, dude? 

Are you kidding me? 

So it's it's still OK to Lynch people that says something. 

That it still exists something that small. 

But has a huge weight, you know? 


Something that's really like it's very it's it's very frustrating and sometimes you know I throw my hands up there going Jesus, you know, but everyone is here to experience what they came here to experience. 

There's some people that I'm like. 

There's some souls that come to this planet. 

To be the nastiest person that ever walked the face in the earth. 

To be an example of what not to do next time or type of thing. 

You know I'm saying, that's that's where you can't get into judging and stuff. 


But what there's wrong and stuff. 

I'll just automatically trigger into the response, you know. 

So like if it's accessible force, I probably would whip this **** out of somebody, but not even know until I was. 

Finished because it would be that automatic response when something is grave, you know or you have to stand up for something that's not automatic. 



That's the one thing I like about soul and that's the one thing that. 

That, especially in this culture of dark and light and black and white, especially the big issue here, because even Toni Morrison is like, well, any other different shade. 

But as long as you're not black, you're cool in this white country type of thing. 

And I'm like. 

The word soul. 

Even the music, no matter how many times you get beat down for centuries, there is still such a resilience listening to gospel listening to these, some of you soulful songs. 


I'm like this is the song of the Soul, the human soul you know and for me it's what keeps me from completely losing my. 


It's those type of things. 

It's the little things that really, really matter. 

And you know if. 

If people had some more empathy, but like I said, instead of relating to it, they react to it and a lot of people like like I'm like my family members and like you've never been discriminated against. 

You don't even know what it's like. 

You've never been treated differently and you don't know that you haven't been treated differently. 

But for the past couple of years. 

You should know that that **** happens to everyone. 

That ain't your color. 

That's that. 

Here's one story. 

So my partner of 15 years is Armenian. 

Uhm, which is an amazing old culture too, and they've been taking a lot of crap from Turkey Mm-hmm, but it's anyway we're doing a road trip and we're going through and we go stop off at a Taco Bell in Arizona. 

So we go in, stand in line to order and my Sugar Bowl column. 

I I look in his face and he's like, oh, I said what's up? 

Because I've never worked, I've never been to a fast food restaurant where everyone working is white and I was like, yeah, we're in Arizona. 

Yeah, OK, and he was just like noted. 

You know it's like wow, so we go through order of food. 

We go when we sit down people come in, they order their food. 

Start noticing that they're kind of getting it after hours. 

And it's like #19 #20 #22 #23 #24 I'm like. 

And it's kept us. 

So I get up and I walk over. 

I'm excuse me. 

Oh yes, Sir, Watkyn doing. 

Yeah our order seems oh we're so sorry Sir. 

Bringing to write to you. 

Right to you and I'm like, OK thanks. 

You know I know this **** happens if you want to know the reality of people, workers or wait or work in retail. 

Yeah, and when I do go I so respect what people are doing like that you know. 

So just being polite. 


So we get our food, sit down and I start eating and I look up and. 

Sugar Boo's got that look on his face again. 

And I'm like what's up he goes, everybody is staring at me. 

And so you know you kind of do that like casual wear you. 

Scan the room and look and everyone is just sitting there shoving their food in their mouth, eyes just beaming on them. 

Damn the entire place. 

Like everybody from the staff to the people, all why and I looked always said just finish eating and we'll go because these ******* have no diversity. 

Everyone is 1 color. 

They wouldn't know a Persian. 

A Greek and Egyptian or an Armenian. 

They wouldn't know the difference. 

You just look like a terrorist. 


In their eyes. 

And we ain't left, but I'm like that's the reality of it, their reaction and the high and mighty of all this country is born on being why it's like you invented the word white. 

There's no, there's no race called white. 

There's a race called human rights. 

All Houma sapiens. 

Women are smarter. 

They can pull human beings out of them. 

Yeah, but that's yeah, very true. 

Yeah, so I. 

I guess I'm just in. 

I'm in one of my friends go Nicholas. 

You just inspire people you know you just go on being yourself and. 

It just happens. 


You know there is no in game it I've seen more and more. 

That's really about the journey. 

You know, there's no, there's no place that you know. 

I need to get to this certain peak or you know, like even the Native Americans. I don't know the story, but there's a. There's a word they have. It's called this sickness of the mind. We need to take more than you'll ever need, you know. And there are way too many people on the planet. There's like 7 billion plus people, and there's only like 8,000,000 species. I don't know if that counts plants and animals, but if you look. 


Human beings are like like the cockroach infestation of apartment. 

If someone doesn't keep it clean, you just trashed the place. 

Like I'd see people to just even in retailer to help bring in their little sippy cups of coffee and stuff and just dump their trash anywhere. 

Or they pull up to the parking lot, open their door and just throw their trash out. 

It's like it's that mentality. 

That's the toxic thing. 

It's thinking that way. 

It's toxic, so it's like it's not going to end well for a lot. 

Of people no. 

It's not. 

I mean, imagine if there was 7,000,000 Tyrannosaurus rexes roaming the earth and 8,000,000 people. 

How would that play out? Yeah, you know, we just discovered it can't go down, swim in the waters of Catalina or off the coast of LA because there's all those barrels of. 

DDT just dumped there decades ago. 

We thrashed the planet, yeah, so eventually Mother Nature is like Mother Mother Nature is like a fierce woman, a mother, a mother. 

It's like I will kill you if you try to touch my baby. 

Well, that's what's happening with us. 

Starts with a little virus. 

It's like just too many people. 


Then nature always works itself out. 

And for me I also have this idea that there's no separation, but for me between life and death, it's going to change. 

It always changes. 

Were they good or for the bad? 

Do you think is? 

Going to change there. 

There kind of is no good or bad. 

There's just kind of like. 

Are you contributing with positive energy and inspiration or you're just being evil? 

You know, that's the thing. 

Greed and evil and self deprecation. 

That's an evil thing. 

Trying to enlighten, inspire and move. 

That's a positive thing, and that's the bound and we all go through those phases all the time in our life. 

But decisions sometimes. 

We are a little bit self destructive. 

Sometimes we are, you know, but some people are like yeah I don't care about anything that the narcissistic ones. 

You know we know. 

I was like to have someone. 

Like that for four years, Mimi, Mimi, Mimi, and those are the people that the people that are always always in their mind think I'm the victim. So I have the right to attack you. Those are the Karen's that there's like. You know, it's like that's not how it works. If you don't like it, don't pay attention to it, you know. 

Uhm, there's some reality. 

That's the truth that you don't want to pay attention to. 

You know with the situation we're having now. 

There's like I don't want to know that. 

Well, you should because it still. 

Exists yeah or not, believing it doesn't matter, it still exists. 

You know it's that type of thing, but there's that that one you know it's like well. 

Because you did this then I have to come in and talk you because. 

It's like that's your crap, yeah? 

This had nothing to do with it. 

You know there's nothing I can do about what people think, saying feel about me but. 

Yeah well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Nicholas V giving you his perspective as a local living in Los Angeles. 

I'm your host, Nicholas Ballard. 

This is can I talk now? 

Make sure you subscribe. 

Oh, I can talk. 

Yeah, thanks. 


Coming on Nick. 

Thanks for having me like I told you, I don't know what I locked in know know. 

Thanks for coming on. 

How is it? 


Know how this is gonna turn out help? 

It it turned out good. 

I mean it turned out good. 

I know, I know that you would know that I had. 

I had more faith in you going OK, well, you don't figure out what this guy is telling me. 

I might some good stuff out of it, but uh, yeah, so good on. 

You for starting this yeah and if it didn't turn. 

Out good, then we'll do it again, sounds. 

Good, I'll take better notes. 

Alright guys, thank you. 

Alright, thank you sure, thanks bye. 

Thank you Nick. 

Thank you guys. 

We out of here.